Wednesday, August 07, 2013


There once was a time, long ago enough to make me feel really old, that I thought life was meant to be exciting. There was nothing that I couldn't conquer, nothing that I couldn't learn, nothing that I couldn't be. I was desperately seeking to accomplish. And then something dreadful happened. My life made a turn for the worse and I fell, hard. I tried everything to get back on my feet. I felt like I was running out of time, I thought I would die at any moment. I had no expectations of bearing children or reaching a ripe old age of...well you get the point. And yet here I am. I am my worst fear in many ways. I still feel lost sometimes, unsure of my decisions, unsteady in my ways. I have children, and I have a lot of them. I am still battling past demons, still striving to let go of idols. I am still prideful, still impatient. I am still...a sinner. What did I expect? That over the course of a couple of years God would all the sudden make me perfect? I was hoping, hoping that I wouldn't be here that long. Praying that my life would end because it was just too hard. There was no possible way I could make up for all the wrong. I thought the world would be a better place without me.

I may not have conquered much in the years that God has given me but I can say a few things. I love my kids, I adore my husband, and God has been merciful to me despite my struggles. When I am weak, he is strong. He is strong even when I just want to scream with frustration, even when my heart condemns me for my internal dialogue, even when my pride beats at the door of my heart. I can't tell you how many times he has picked me up, cleaned the mud off my face and told me to keep running. Ever seen those people do the mud run? Yep, that's me. People often comment to me that my life must be so busy. It is busy, sometimes TOO busy. I find myself picking stuff up only to have to put it down because of the weight.
However, it is nothing like it was. My physical and mental battles a long time ago were so consuming, so disturbing, so life threatening that nothing can compare to that. This is humdrum. And I like it.