Saturday, December 08, 2007

The Island of Misfits

Do you ever feel like you are on the island of misfit toys? I do! I thought we had found a church that we "fit" into because I was under the impression that there were alot of large families. I found out that I was wrong. There are not alot of large families and it feels like we are an inconvenience. Don't get me wrong, these people have really tried hard to accommodate for our family and they have shown us love like no other church family has. I just feel so sad that we are the only ones with this many kids and therefore special circumstances must be arranged. Do they mind? I feel that most of them do not. I have seen however a few of them seem like they resent it. Am I mad at them? NO WAY! I might feel the same way. It's hard dealing with so many little ones when you're not use to it. It's hard keeping them quiet when all of the other parent's of mostly older kids want to talk. I feel sad that we don't have like minded people encouraging us with having so many littles. It makes me resent the fact that I DO have little ones. It makes me long for the day when they get older. Is this wrong? I don't know. But it does make me feel that way. Does this change my belief that God sees them as blessings and not an inconvenience? Of course not. But it doesn't stop me from feeling that way some times. I want to apologize to all those people who try to help us but what would I be apologizing for? For being given the opportunity to be a vessel in which to bring a life into this world? For contributing to the body of believers for Christ? Is this my only reason, to populate the earth with Godly men and women(if they grow up to actually be a godly man or woman)? No, I do it because I believe in the sovereignty of God. I believe that he creates and destroys life. I believe in the all knowing, all powerful God of the universe that chooses whether or not to breathe life into an embryo. Yes, this is why. Does my faith waver? Of course it does! During the morning when I have 2 that need diaper changes and 2 that need to potty-all at the same time, I question my maker. When I am cooking dinner and have to stop to help someone and I end up burning everything, I question his sovereignty. When after I give everybody their burnt dinner and hear endless yuks, I question the freedom of choice. However, when I see all of them playing together and laughing, I say thank you for blessing me. When I see one kissing the baby, I praise Him for his sovereignty. When I hear "Don't worry Mom, I will eat the burnt one. Waffles are good either way.", I realize my stupidity. So what does being "normal" really mean? It's the feeling one gets when you can associate with others because of what you believe. Do I want to be normal then? YES! But I want to associate with God, what does he believe? He believes that children are a blessing. Therefore, I may be an outcast to this world but it doesn't matter. This is not my home. I can't wait to "fit in" in heaven!


Heidi Mehltretter said...

Beautiful post. More power to you!!! You are living a selfless life and it is challenging for many Americans to relate to your choice.

I think some people may feel uncomfortable with your choice to have a large family because when they meet you, they don't feel they can just accept your life and love you. They may feel they have to chose to approve or disapprove of your life choice before they can be your friend. I imagine this constant judgement would be frustrating and lonely for you at times.

Thank you for making me think about this today.

Crystal said...

Thanks for the encouragement!

Miller Family Advent said...

Thank you for sharing your heart! I can only imagine how you feel. And even though I am like minded, I find myself feeling inconveniced by others children and I resent it too for selfish reasons. Hang in there! I think it takes usually about 2 years to finds ones place in new communities. Hugs!

MamaArcher said...

I found your blog and this post via CMOMB. I wanted to let you know, in case interested (and do fall in this category) that I started a quiverfull blogroll to help link likeminded ladies in blogland.
Here is the addy:

MamaArcher said...

oops that is QF ROLL

Tanya said...

I found your blog via CMOMB. Thank you for sharing...I have often felt the same way.