Humdrum

Then
There once was a time, long ago enough to make me feel really old, that I thought life was meant to be exciting. There was nothing that I couldn't conquer, nothing that I couldn't learn, nothing that I couldn't be. I was desperately seeking to accomplish. And then something dreadful happened. My life made a turn for the worse and I fell, hard. I tried everything to get back on my feet. I felt like I was running out of time, I thought I would die at any moment. I had no expectations of bearing children or reaching a ripe old age of...well you get the point. And yet here I am. I am my worst fear in many ways. I still feel lost sometimes, unsure of my decisions, unsteady in my ways. I have children, and I have a lot of them. I am still battling past demons, still striving to let go of idols. I am still prideful, still impatient. I am still...a sinner. What did I expect? That over the course of a couple of years God would all the sudden make me perfect? I was hoping, hoping that I wouldn't be here that long. Praying that my life would end because it was just too hard. There was no possible way I could make up for all the wrong. I thought the world would be a better place without me.

Now
I may not have conquered much in the years that God has given me but I can say a few things. I love my kids, I adore my husband, and God has been merciful to me despite my struggles. When I am weak, he is strong. He is strong even when I just want to scream with frustration, even when my heart condemns me for my internal dialogue, even when my pride beats at the door of my heart. I can't tell you how many times he has picked me up, cleaned the mud off my face and told me to keep running. Ever seen those people do the mud run? Yep, that's me. People often comment to me that my life must be so busy. It is busy, sometimes TOO busy. I find myself picking stuff up only to have to put it down because of the weight.
However, it is nothing like it was. My physical and mental battles a long time ago were so consuming, so disturbing, so life threatening that nothing can compare to that. This is humdrum. And I like it.

Seasons of Change

   Everyone says that life is made up of different seasons. We all have to learn this for ourselves. Things we desire need to come later, things we hate need to be dealt with now, and list goes on and on. I have already lived through several seasons, some of which felt like hell itself. Have you ever been in a season where everything is just in this perpetual change? I know that we are all constantly being changed and sanctified, not talking about that. I am talking about life is constantly changing on a day to day basis. This is where we are at. I think that the reason I feel this way is because we have been "stable" now for 6-7 years. Now it feels like we are on a pier in the middle of a hurricane. Back and forth. So, this is one of the reasons for my blogging absence. Change can be good, change can be GREAT. But sometimes it's just really hard.

Review: Identity

Identity by Ted Dekker

My rating: 4 of 5 stars



I started reading this in the hope that Mr Dekker had written something a little less gruesome. It was also free! So far I have been relieved that I haven't had to shelve it. Hopefully the next three will also be heart pounding without the blood and gore.



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