Sinning in Forgiveness

Forgiveness. It's a beautiful thing. Have you ever experienced it? Really? I want to address possible issues that arise out of quasi forgiveness. I want to address both sides of the equation.

 
The forgiven. It’s amazing to be forgiven. Where once your heart was crushed under the weight of your wrong doing, you are now free to breathe again. But are you? Are you living in that freedom? Breathing without difficulty? Is your mind free from the slander of your conscience? Or, are you still beating yourself up over it? If you are a religious person, are you playing God? Judging and convicting yourself over and over again? Telling yourself that you are too far gone for God to pardon you. Thinking that your sin is greater than God could possibly handle. Sounds crazy, right? In your forgiveness, it’s possible that you are sinning….again. It is important that we remember that we have wronged. But sometimes people get confused as to the reason that God has given us this ability. He didn’t give it to us so that we should grow to hate ourselves forever. We should be reminded that no matter what we do, he can forgive us! It’s not about us(how awful we are), it’s about him(how wonderful he is)! So truly be forgiven and accept that gift.

 
The forgiver. It’s soul crushing sometimes, when we are hurt by others. Especially from those we love. Does it help when they ask for forgiveness? Maybe. But it’s just words, right? It takes a long time for us to believe someone is truly sorry. That’s because actions speak louder than words. We have no control over them. We lose trust and are afraid to expose ourselves to them again. We may hold back a part of ourselves and grow callous to them. Sometimes we may even punish them silently while planning a payback that we justify. Have we truly forgiven them? This situation is sticky. Shouldn’t we be able to pay them back for what they did? If you are in this boat, remember, you are doing to them exactly what they did to you. And yes, it may be justified according to the world but God said vengeance is his. So guess what, sin creeps in very easily. It’s in these situations that it’s good to remember the times that God has forgiven us! He has not paid us back for the many things we have done, though we surely deserved it. So forgive as he has forgiven. It’s hard, I know. But it’s so much more freeing when we aren’t trying to be the judge. That job is a difficult job and we aren’t equipped to call those shots.

Music reserved for the gifted?

Most of us have probably thought about learning a new skill but quickly dismissed the idea with the thought "That doesn't come natural to me so I'm not even going to attempt that." Music, be it learning how to play an instrument or even just singing, is one of those skills that frequently gets put into this category. Most people tell me that singing comes naturally to me. But this wasn't always true. I worked really really hard at it! I started very young, around 8. My mom is a gifted singer and I wanted to be like her so much. I would practice in my room with a book and cassette tape(yes, I am aging myself here). I would wobble my voice to try to sing with vibrato. I also took 8 years of piano. Fast forward many years and I am here, not singing(no church), not playing, and regretting it deeply because I feel like I am not prepared for the great opportunity before me. Jason and Toby are almost ready to submit a VR game in the Oculus store and I have the chance to write the music for it. How cool is that? BUT, I have no knowledge of DAW's, have been out of practice for years, and my confidence is in the toilet. I wouldn't consider myself musically gifted at all. I don't have a grasp of theory, no perfect pitch, and I have ZERO experience with composition. Should I pass up the chance? Should music composition be reserved for the gifted? Nope. Even if I can't help with this game, how neat would it be to get the chance to do something like this when they create the next one? I wish I had the confidence and dedication of my younger self. Life is pretty brutal. But does that mean we shouldn't try? Nah.. Now to chart my path...

4.Years.Later

It's weird seeing my blog still alive on the internet. I've thought about coming back on here and updating it but so much of my world has changed that I wanted to wait until the dust settled. Probably bad decision. Writing would have helped me get my thoughts out of the air. I'm not really going to try and describe everything that's transpired in the last 4 years. Although I will say that we haven't had any more kids. They are all still living at home, and we are enjoying every one of them immensely. So, why come back on here and breathe life into this dead blog? I need a place to document. I'm starting a new adventure and I really need a platform that has the ability for me to keep writing, pictures, and video together. I won't go into much detail here, gonna let things unfold as they will. Kind of like life. I'll mix this up with some writings on my midnight thoughts(aka... thoughts before bed that keep me from getting good sleep).

Remembering the Things we Love

Recently my Mom gave me her sound system. I had mixed feelings about it. I was very excited to get it but at the same time it saddened me that she was giving it up. All those years, from bands to solo arrangements. I don't have any recordings or videos of her in my possession. Nothing. She had a love affair with music that I want to see. As I was pondering all this I realized that I am doing the same thing. There are no recordings, no thoughts written on paper, except a few hand written attempts at song writing. How sad! Here I am 34 and all I have is a few videos of my younger years. My kids may not feel the same way I do about being able to listen or watch their mother but I have decided to prepare if they do. I am going to start recording some music(not original to me) and posting it here. I'm not really interested in capturing perfection but I do want to have something to look back on. Who knows, it might come to bite me in the b**. I may look back and get depressed but at least I have the choice of pressing play. For those of you who have hobbies/passions, do you ever think about sharing/recording for your offspring?

Is the End Goal College? Is There an End?

Do you like questions? We see the person who's asking them and automatically group them into the nosy category. Am I right? We get defensive as if we are being attacked. This is a sensitive topic for homeschool Moms. The reason, I believe, is that we feel like everything hinges on whether or not we got it right. If our kids are successful, we say we did good. If they aren't, we say "kids have choices, it's not my fault! I did everything I could" It all boils down to the reality that we DO make mistakes, we DO get things right sometimes, kids DO make their own decisions, and it's okay to admit it. With all that being said, we should all evaluate what we are doing, correct errors, and be okay with other people helping us when we need a little nudge. I love school. I love checking off boxes, studying for a test, and making good grades. I HATE forgetting what I studied for and realizing how much time I wasted on something that didn't even matter. My homeschooling path has been a bumpy road because of these two opposing forces within me. Couple that with the growing studies on education and it's failure to produce productive(and I do mean creative, not production line) citizens, and you have one renegade mama.  I came across a video lately that I will share. It's by no means the only resource out there for the paradigm shift that needs to happen but it will get your juices flowing. But first, the questions.

What is your end goal for your child? College? Why?

What is your child's end goal? Do they have one?

Should there be an end goal? Why or why not?

When/If we reach the end goal, then what?

Think before You Gather

This has been a topic I have wanted to write about for a while now. Ladies and gentlemen alike need to take into account these ideas before they gather together with people who they are not intimately familiar with. Religious people are some of the worst people to hang out with if you have baggage or physical issues that affect your ability to be seen as "normal". The simple truth is that everyone is different. Of course we know this but how many of us judge someone when they aren't doing what we think they should be doing, especially if we can add that powerful word FAITH into the equation. By faith you will be healed, by faith you will be set free, walk by faith in the Spirit! We spew these truths out like Niagara spews out water. Were you there the year before when that person was deep in sin compared to now? Do you see the transformation that has already taken place? Do you know the tears they cry to be healed? Have you been in the room when they have locked themselves in in an attempt to keep themselves from digging deeper in the pit? Were you there when they threw out the computer because they didn't want to be tempted again? When you sit down to dine with them they are not perfect. They are blemished. We all are blemished, to the core. Women very often see other women not eating cake or comfort foods and they wonder why. They say things like, oh God gave us taste buds, EAT and be MERRY. Enjoy in FAITH! Guess what, what if by eating that crap it triggers something within them that sends them over the edge? What if they are choosing not to eat that BECAUSE they don't want to be tempted?? It's not that they don't have faith. They want faith more than they want food. What about the alcoholic who goes out with friends and doesn't drink. They make fun of him. Would you tell him to drink, in faith?? What sense does that make? The point I am trying to make is that we have no idea what someone has or is dealing with. Why can't we just enjoy the company and stop asking the question "Why can't you be normal?" Whatever walk you walk, you don't have to be in sync with someone else to enjoy the conversation.

So proud of Toby!

 Toby got his demo reel on Blender Nation! He has worked so hard for so long(I think he was around 5 or 6 when he started.). I remember when our computers were sitting beside each other and he would be listening to tutorials(very boring tutorials!!) and I would beg him to put his headphones on because it was making me sleepy. That was several years ago. Now he does his own tutorials. We are starting a beginners blender club at the house next week. It will only last a few weeks but it would give him a chance to get some other kids excited about blender. Jason is teaching it and Toby will be helping(cuz I honestly think Toby knows more about it than Jason...shhhhh). I know that I'm the Mom and I will be proud of him no matter what but, well, this guy is pretty special. I also want to be sure not to puff his ego up but to make sure that he believes that he still has long way to go, that learning doesn't end. I want to praise him for his diligence(which should never end), not necessarily the work ;) Be praying for him, that God would bless his diligence and that he would stay focused. Grands, thanks for encouraging him!!
Oh, and if you want to go see the demo reel, it's at http://www.blendernation.com/2014/01/06/reel-tobias-milliken/

Humdrum

Then
There once was a time, long ago enough to make me feel really old, that I thought life was meant to be exciting. There was nothing that I couldn't conquer, nothing that I couldn't learn, nothing that I couldn't be. I was desperately seeking to accomplish. And then something dreadful happened. My life made a turn for the worse and I fell, hard. I tried everything to get back on my feet. I felt like I was running out of time, I thought I would die at any moment. I had no expectations of bearing children or reaching a ripe old age of...well you get the point. And yet here I am. I am my worst fear in many ways. I still feel lost sometimes, unsure of my decisions, unsteady in my ways. I have children, and I have a lot of them. I am still battling past demons, still striving to let go of idols. I am still prideful, still impatient. I am still...a sinner. What did I expect? That over the course of a couple of years God would all the sudden make me perfect? I was hoping, hoping that I wouldn't be here that long. Praying that my life would end because it was just too hard. There was no possible way I could make up for all the wrong. I thought the world would be a better place without me.

Now
I may not have conquered much in the years that God has given me but I can say a few things. I love my kids, I adore my husband, and God has been merciful to me despite my struggles. When I am weak, he is strong. He is strong even when I just want to scream with frustration, even when my heart condemns me for my internal dialogue, even when my pride beats at the door of my heart. I can't tell you how many times he has picked me up, cleaned the mud off my face and told me to keep running. Ever seen those people do the mud run? Yep, that's me. People often comment to me that my life must be so busy. It is busy, sometimes TOO busy. I find myself picking stuff up only to have to put it down because of the weight.
However, it is nothing like it was. My physical and mental battles a long time ago were so consuming, so disturbing, so life threatening that nothing can compare to that. This is humdrum. And I like it.

Seasons of Change

   Everyone says that life is made up of different seasons. We all have to learn this for ourselves. Things we desire need to come later, things we hate need to be dealt with now, and list goes on and on. I have already lived through several seasons, some of which felt like hell itself. Have you ever been in a season where everything is just in this perpetual change? I know that we are all constantly being changed and sanctified, not talking about that. I am talking about life is constantly changing on a day to day basis. This is where we are at. I think that the reason I feel this way is because we have been "stable" now for 6-7 years. Now it feels like we are on a pier in the middle of a hurricane. Back and forth. So, this is one of the reasons for my blogging absence. Change can be good, change can be GREAT. But sometimes it's just really hard.

Review: Identity

Identity by Ted Dekker

My rating: 4 of 5 stars



I started reading this in the hope that Mr Dekker had written something a little less gruesome. It was also free! So far I have been relieved that I haven't had to shelve it. Hopefully the next three will also be heart pounding without the blood and gore.



View all my reviews

When Wonderland is all they see

You know those people, the ones that look at you with their eyes glossed over as you lay out a logical map to understanding? Why is it that they can't see what's so very clear? Round and round the conversation flows until someone gets sick enough to jump off. I have to admit that I have often sat in the forests of Wonderland as some brave soul tries to get me to climb out of my hole. Usually that's my husband or my God. Reality is not fun, it's hard and cold sometimes. I don't like conflict and I can't stand fear and anger. I want frolicking and sing song days without worry. But I also want truth and honor. I want to have a goal and fulfill it. I want to struggle, though not too much, and come out triumphantly. I want to believe that there will be eternal footprints that are left by me, ones that are noble and worthy. I want to feel like I was supposed to be here and not just the result of random cells coming together. For these reasons I grab the hand that reaches down and allow myself to let go. It's interesting, being in the hole. You can see it in others. You can see who has been there, who struggles to come back to reality. My heart goes out to them, even if they don't know that I know where they have been. It's a wonderful place in the beginning, this fairy tale world. Somewhere that promises ease and comfort. Somewhere that you don't have to think about what's going on around you. But then something happens and it becomes a dark cave that is almost impossible to get out of. It has power over you that you resent... but love. The only way to get out is to want something more than what you want in your cave wonderland. Get out, it's worth it.

I would love to win this, sounds like something our family would enjoy.  Heritage History Giveaway! Enter to win Heritage History's World History Curriculum A complete "Living Books" History program, valued at $99! If you are looking for a way to make History a fun and easy subject, Heritage History has the answer! Our highly regarded Curriculum will help your students "read their way through world history". Our Curriculum provides everything you need to help your student learn history in the easiest way possible—by reading enjoyable histories from first-rate story-tellers. The Heritage Classical Curriculum features a complete home library of hundreds of easy-to-read, classical histories that were written for young people generations ago by well-known authors. Your students will enjoy reading biographies, Bible stories, adventure stories, military histories, legends, and simplified classics from their personal history library. "Every homeschooling family should have access to this wonderful collection—No matter what curriculum you use—No matter how old your children are. These are books the whole family can enjoy." Heritage History Living Books No Textbooks—No Tomes—Just Readable History

The BENEFITS of using Heritage History's Classical Curriculum Students LOVE reading these story-based histories Includes homeschooling favorites by H. E. Marshall, Helene Guerber, Alfred Church, John Haaren, and many more. Everyday low prices—Affordable on any budget. Pre-1923 histories promote traditional values. Easy for Mom: No worksheets, no tests, no frustrating searches for out-of-print classics. Books for the whole family - Mom and Dad can learn along. Perfect for Charlotte Mason, Classical Christian, or "Living Books" homeschool programs. Books can be printed, read online, or uploaded to any e-Reader. See dozens of enthusiastic reviews of the Heritage Classical Curriculum here, or visit the Heritage History store to learn more.

Running from Sin

As a parent I am often faced with "I'm going to get as close to the street as I can without getting ran over." It's that fine line that our kids try to step on without actually going over, at which point they would be in deep trouble. Don't we all do that though? We all try to get as close to sin as possible without sinning. What usually happens? Because our hearts are not right to begin with(the Bible says to FLEE), we end up giving in to that particular sin. We end up saying something like "Well, it was the situations fault" or "it was too hard to resist, I didn't have a way of escape". We know this is a lie because the Bible says that God will always provide a way of escape. I think we wait too late to take it and then end up blaming God for not providing it. We think we can handle it but we end up falling on our face. Here's a quote from Charles Spurgeon that I thought was great.

  “She grabbed him by his garment and said, ‘Sleep with me!’ But leaving his garment in her hand, he escaped and ran from the house.” (Genesis 39:12)

In contending with certain sins, there remains no mode of victory except by running away quickly. He who would be safe from acts of evil must hasten away from occasions of it. A covenant must be made with our eyes not even to look upon the cause of temptation, for such sins only need a spark to begin with and a blaze follows in an instant! Who would casually enter the leper’s hut and sleep amid its horrible corruption? He alone who desires to be leprous himself would thus court contagion. If the sailor knew how to avoid a storm, he would do anything rather than run the risk of weathering it. Cautious pilots have no desire to try how near the quicksand they can sail, or how often they may touch a rock without springing a leak; their aim is to keep as nearly as possible in the midst of a safe channel. This day I may be exposed to great peril; let me have wisdom to keep out of it and avoid it. The wings of a dove may be of more use to me than the jaws of a lion. I may be an apparent loser by declining evil company, but I had better leave my coat than lose my character! It is not needful that I should be rich, but it is imperative upon me to be pure. No ties of friendship, no chains of beauty, no flashings of talent, and no shafts of ridicule must turn me from the wise resolve to run from sin. I am to resist the devil and he will flee from me. But the lusts of the flesh I must flee or they will surely overcome me! O God of holiness, preserve your Josephs. May the horrible trinity of the world, the flesh, and the devil never overcome us! - Charles Spurgeon

Html/CSS Lesson 6 &7

I am speeding things up a bit and adding 2 lessons here.

CSS/HTML Lesson 5

Continuing on..

HTML/CSS Lesson 4

Continuing on..

What is HTML and CSS?

Continuing on..

Tech Tuesday

I am continuing my husband's series on HTML/CSS/Javascript. If you want to continue the series quicker, you can go to http://millikencodes.wordpress.com/

Veggie Murder...

So this is what just happened as we were fixin preparing dinner. I opened the huge bag of frozen veggies only to find smaller bags of veggies that are steam-able. I said "Umm, weird. I guess you have to kill the veggies before you eat them." Charlotte says " Yeah, I knew this guy who knew this guy, who..... and he said that there was this guy who ate a piece of broccoli straight off the plant. He even washed it. But guess what, that broccoli ate him from the inside out. Yeah, it's dangerous to eat that stuff raw. Those vegans are messed up in the brain!"

Tech Tuesday!

Guest post from my husband, computer super hero. He has recently started a very basic beginners series on HTML/CSS. He initially wrote this for my computer savvy children but I thought it would be great to post it on here.

HTML & CSS: Lesson 1 – Setting up your box.

Before we can start pounding out code and creating awesome web sites we need to do a little setup.  Artists need paints, writers need pens, and web developers need an IDE. So what is an IDE?  An IDE is an Integrated DevelopmentEnvironment.  Basically, it is a program that helps you  write code.  Word helps you write papers by helping with spelling, grammar and formatting.  An IDE does the same thing – more or less. “Where do I get this IDE you speak of”, you may ask.  There are many good IDEs.  Fortunately, Microsoft provides a free version of Visual Studio (IMHO the greatest IDE ever).  Download Visual Web Developer Express and install it on your box.http://www.microsoft.com/visualstudio/en-us/products/2010-editions/visual-web-developer-express.  This install can take a long time. So be prepared for a lot of waiting.  The installation process is mostly self explanatory.  Just take all of the default installation options and answer the questions. The next thing you need to install is a modern web browser.  For development the best browser is Google Chrome.  The developer tools are a must.  Download and install it – https://www.google.com/chrome. Not bad for our first lesson.  You now have your work environment setup.  Time to do some work.  In our next lesson we will walk through setting up a project and creating our first web page.