Monday, February 11, 2008

A Tornado in the making - Part 1

This is part of a series
Introduction, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

Just as a tornado draws it’s beginning and power from certain conditions in the atmosphere, addictions draw their beginning and power from the conditions that surround our life. In other words, if the atmosphere is right, a destructive and terrifying storm begins to brew.
I had a good childhood. I had parents, I had a sister, and I had an undeniable feeling that God was always with me. I have always had a desire to give. That desire, unfortunately, sent me searching for a sign that my efforts were appreciated. I never got that sign. Therefore, I went looking for what people did appreciate. Beauty. I saw it all around me in school. I saw it in my mother’s excitement when my sister lost weight. I saw what lack of beauty did. The depression my mother struggled with because of her weight. The ridicule I received in school. It was undeniable. Beauty equaled happiness. I was not happy.
My search for happiness began in middle school. The first step was obvious. I had to get my obese body in shape. I had to stop eating what I wanted to. I had to exercise. This was only logical. Back then(as if it really were that long ago), it was acknowledged that you could eat whatever you wanted as long as it was low fat. So I told myself (I was 12) that eating a whole carton of Fig Newton’s would be fine if they were fat free. Yes, I gained weight. I then drew the conclusion that not eating much at all would be better. This worked. I lost weight and got “more” happy. I thought, this little bit of happiness sure is nice. I continued on in my quest. This was the first stage of my eating disorder. I went from clinically obese to clinically anorexic.
I was starving. I was not happy. I don’t remember when, how, or why but somehow, I became bulimic. From the very beginning I knew that this was not the solution but I couldn’t stop. Even when I tried to accept my body for what it was, I couldn’t stop the cravings, It was a ferocious unsatisfied monster that consumed the rest of my teenage life. I was not a giving person anymore. I tried to see a couple of therapist but I already knew what they were saying to me. I went to an inpatient facility called Mercy Ministries. But after one week there, I realized that that was not the solution. Three years after that I was hospitalized for suicidal ideations. I became withdrawn, disturbed, and desperate for God to take it away. I would cry out, night after night, for God to reach down and jerk it from me. He didn’t. He didn’t even say a word. I thought he had left me alone to defeat this beast by myself. He didn’t. Over the past two years I have been involved in an intense study. The study of me and my relationship to The Controller(God). The following articles are a result of what he, in his grace and wisdom, has taught me. Yes, he finally spoke to me. But, he didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear.


Tracee said...

Wow. That is awesome you are sharing this. You should copywrite your posts or blog so that if you ever wanted to publish it you could and nobody else could take credit....

Crystal said...

Thanks Tracee! I never really thought about publishing anything! Have you seen how many books there are in the bookstore and library? LOL